


Toiletbound

by death13



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Other, no pink + white is the stupidest thing ive ever written, poop, this is the second though, this is the stupidest thing ive ever wrjtten
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22564264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/death13/pseuds/death13
Summary: A romantic thriller unfolds in the Principal's bathroom. Could it be... true love?
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou/Reader
Comments: 9
Kudos: 45





	Toiletbound

It was a particularly stinky day. Not that Bokuto smelled bad, the problem was that all the toilets in Fukurodani seemed to have a musky dick fragrance attached to them on that specific day. He wasn't sure if they always smelled that bad and his nose protected him from it or if it was just a strange one-time occurrence, but the point was that the toilets smelled unbearably bad.

He pondered what to do for a moment. He already got excused from class and wasting that opportunity would be disappointing. Then, an ingenious thought befell him. He had never used the principal's toilet before, though he had heard many legends surrounding it. Apparently, it was very luxurious with four-layer toilet paper and the soap smelled pretty good according to reliable sources. Bokuto then decided that he'll use this opportunity to find out if the rumors are true. 

With a newfound resolve, he headed towards the last floor of Fukurodani's school building. It was the moment when the bathroom was in his sight that he decided to back away. No. He wasn't enjoying this moment enough, he wasn't honoring it as he should've been. 

He went out in the halls again before closing his eyes and counting to five. He got impatient stalling, however, and gave up by the time he reached three. Now reentering the tight hallway, he walked towards the mythical bathroom at the slowest pace he could muster before getting too excited. 

The more he approached it, the more he noticed that there was a funny smell emanating from it also. It didn't smell like shit nor the aforementioned musty dick smell, it was something else but it was still unpleasant. _Man, this one too? What the hell?_ he thought to himself, apparently furious. _Well, whatever, I'm already here anyways._

The door was slightly ajar, and the lights appeared to be turned on. Bokuto thought that was strange, but surely if someone was inside, they would've locked it. That was common sense, right? He speculated that it was someone who had used the bathroom but got scared and scurried away in a hurry, afraid that they'd get caught.

He stopped breathing for a second to ignore the weird yet familiar smell before entering. Hand grasping the door handle, he opened the entrance further and stepped in more boldly than necessary. Bokuto then, unfortunately, was forced to simply gape at the sight in front of him.

You were sitting there, shitting in peace and your pants rolled down to the floor, the source of the weird smell now very blatant in his mind. He made a weird grimace at the sight, not offering even an apology. Instead, he cut straight to the point. "ARE YOU SMOKING WEED IN THE PRINCIPAL'S TOILET?"

"Yes, please yell more loudly so a teacher can hear. That'd be very helpful," you retorted with a roll of your eyes. Then, you continued, unbothered by the fact that you were caught in such a compromising position. "No I wasn't smoking in here, I just came back from a party and my shit smells funny."

"Oh. Sorry about the misunderstanding."

"No problem."

Bokuto then finally remembered to step out of the toilet, something he should've probably done immediately had he been a sane person, after this very strange confrontation. He recognized you as one of Konoha's friends and he briefly remembered you hanging out with the person Akaashi's dating, but he couldn't be sure.

"By the way could you shit faster, I can't hold it in for very long."

You didn't reply to that.

***

"Woah dude I heard that you went to the principal's toilet," Komi remarked, seemingly impressed. 

"Heh. Word travels fast 'round here."

Akaashi rolled his eyes at this braindead dialogue. Seriously, who came up with this stuff?

"That's not impressive, I know a person who goes to shit in the principal's office all the time," Konoha cut in. He was obviously referencing you or at least Bokuto was convinced that he was.

Akaashi smiled slyly and giggled evilly behind his hand, the look he made when he was about to insult a person or three. "Oh look, Konoha joined the poop conversation. How surprising."

The three ignored him, declaring him a buzzkill. Komi's attention was now diverted towards Konoha, morbidly curious. "What do you mean they go there all the time? Like literally or are you exaggerating for suspense?"

"I don't know, I think they have gas problems." 

"Really, what's their name?"

"[L/n] [Y/n]."

"Oh yeah, they're friends with my significant other," Akaashi deadpanned. "Mentally disturbed people flock together."

"Yeah, no kidding. That's why we're best friends," Bokuto agreed.

"Um."

***

It was the next week that Bokuto found himself going to the principal's toilet again. It was simply addicting, now that he had smelled the lavender soap he couldn't help himself. Also, the fact that this was the toilet farthest from all classrooms gave him extra time to miss out on class without looking obviously guilty for aimlessly strolling around. 

He looked through the corridors, cautious to not let himself be caught, but most teachers either had lessons to teach or were in the teacher's room. The worst scenario which he could think of was being caught by the principal himself, but when he was on top of it (the game, that is), no such bad luck could get him down, surely. 

Once he tried to open the door, however, he found that it was locked. It wouldn't budge. Panicking, he started internally ranting to himself. _Oh no. I can't believe this is happening to me, I'm the worst. I'll do ten laps around the school, no, fifteen_ , he thought, wondering where to run off to before anyone could see him.

However, fortunately enough for him, it was you who emerged from the toilet. He let out a sigh of relief, quickly back to his happy-go-lucky character. Had you witnessed them, you might've found his mood swings over the toilet, of all things, amusing. 

When he saw you, Bokuto wasn't sure what would be considered an appropriate greeting. 

"Hi," you said. "So, tomorrow, same time?"

"Are you teasing me?" Bokuto pouted. 

You shrugged, not elaborating further.

***

"Hey, poo boy," you hollered from across the cafeteria. You were sitting on a table with Akaashi's significant other, Akaashi himself, as well as their other mentally disturbed friend, Yosuke. Apparently what you said was very funny because they didn't fear to express their amusement (except for Akaashi, who appeared neutral on the topic).

Bokuto's shoulders slumped and his nose scrunched up. With his facial features, such exaggerated expressions only managed to make him look more irritated than he actually was. "How many times do I have to tell you that my name's Bokuto?" he cried. 

"How many times do I have to tell you that I already know?"

"You guys, stop yelling at each other like barbarians from across the cafeteria," someone complained loud enough that both of you could hear them. Yosuke frowned, even though he had nothing to do with this. 

Konoha seemed concerned. Perhaps for Bokuto's overall well-being or maybe just for his reputation, the concise reason was unclear. "Why does [L/n] call you poo boy?" 

"You don't need to know," Bokuto said defensively, suddenly embarrassed.

"Oh, but I do."

"Yeah, tell us!" Komi urged him. That only made Bokuto more determined to keep the truth to himself. No one would ever know that he can't hold it in for very long, he would make sure of that.

***

It wasn't often that you and Bokuto talked about serious stuff. Actually, saying 'it wasn't often' implied that the two of you have done so at a certain point, which was not the case.

You had just finished your club activities when you walked by the volleyball gym. The doors were still open and the lights were on, but there was no noise coming from inside. Suspiciously, you slowly walked in and at first, you thought that the place was deserted until you spotted Bokuto on a bench by himself.

"Hey, is Konoha still here?" 

"...No!" he exclaimed dramatically. 

You tilted your head to the side, confused by his theatrics. "What's up with you, hotshot? Why're you so gloomy?"

"...It's nothing," he informed you with a flail of his hand that belonged in a TV show. But like, one of those really low-production ones. 

"Well, alri―"

Just as you turned to leave, Bokuto decided to begin explaining himself. You faced him again and he started describing a practice match that had apparently just occurred and how he had trouble getting his spikes in. You didn't see the big deal, everyone has off days after all. Nothing to lose your mind over.

"Oh I get it, I hate losing too." You tried to sympathize with him, at least. 

"Man! You're such a simpleton, [L/n]!" 

"That's rich, coming from you."

"It's not about winning or losing―" You gave him a weird look at that, "―well, it kind of is, but that's not the point here. It's about whether you get your moment to shine or not."

"That's true, I like attention too." You shrugged. "Aaaanyways, why are you moping by yourself here?"

"I was going to practice harder."

You made a wise expression before you proceeded with your words. You made sure to deliver your story like a character in a horror movie before the monster starts killing everyone. "Listen, I play gacha games and sometimes I know I won't get anything good, but I still summon. Because I have a gambling addiction but I also don't have the real-life resources to act on it in casinos. And then when something that's worth it comes around, I can't summon anymore because I spent all my gems."

"Literally what in the world are you talking about?"

"I'm saying that when you go overkill, you'll regret it," you replied, teary-eyed.

Bokuto, too, started crying at your words. Truly, your inability to give coherent speeches resonated with him. "[L/n], I never knew you could be so smart."

"Exactly, don't make my words go to waste. And, aces are pretty cool so there's nothing to be depressed about."

"You know that I'm the ace?"

"Do I look like I live under a rock?" you snapped at him, threatening to hit him. 

He pouted and then looked to the side. "Kind of."

You were, again, at a loss for words. "Okay, let's lock the gym up and go then..."

"Whoa! You're gonna let me walk you home this time?" The spring in his steps recovered rather quickly if you say so yourself.

***

You were dying of boredom in class when you received a rather frantic series of text. Curious of who was spamming you and what they wanted from you, you tried to use your phone inconspicuously, which wasn't difficult considering your experience and skill when it comes to the task. 

**Dumphead** :  
L/N!!!!!!!!!!!!  
HELP  
CODE RED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
ThE PrinCIPAL BATHROOM RAN OUT OF TOILET PAPER AND IM POOPING  
help  
sos

 **you** :  
be there in a few

 **Dumphead** :  
Thank you god thank you

You raised your hand in an overconfident manner and the teacher gave you a skeptical look. "Toilet again?"

You went out of the classroom after she nodded in your direction with a sigh. Now a free beast roaming the school halls, you quickly entered one of the regular bathroom stalls. Full of resolve, you shoved all the toilet paper you could manage in your hands and took off. Until a teacher stopped you. 

"[L/n], what are you doing?"

You were, however, not one to be easily phased during a time of crisis. You lied with such vigor you could be an actor, or maybe a scammer. "I spilled water over my desk so I need to clean it up now." 

"Oh, okay," the teacher replied with a smile. She then took the shortcut upstairs, which made you internally curse. Bokuto's nasty ass had to wait a few extra minutes. 

You went off in the opposite direction, taking the long way to the last floor. The security guard that was walking around gave you a strange look, but your exterior was so self-assured that he didn't question you.

As sneakily as possible, you finally reached your destination. You looked twice in each direction before approaching the door. "Bokuto, I'm here."

He let out an appreciative noise, but he also complained that his legs were going numb from sitting so much. You ignored his dissatisfaction. You tried your best to get there as quick as possible, what more did he want from you?

Bokuto unlocked the door and you passed him the toilet paper through the small creek. Silence hung in the air for a moment or two before you heard him flush the toilet and then wash his hands. Hygiene is _important_. 

When he went outside, he gave you a high-five, even though the occasion didn't deserve such a celebration. Though what you'd done was nothing special, you kind of felt like a spy on a mission in that moment, so you supposed it wasn't that much of an inconvenience. 

"Whew, thanks, you're a lifesaver―"

"Hey, are you two skipping classes?" the same teacher who had caught you in front of the toilet exclaimed, apparently shocked that you lied to her face. She might've been fooled by you, but she should have at least known her students better to not be shocked by the revelation. 

You put your hands up in mock surrender. "No, that's not it at all. He was, um, helping me go to the nurse's office."

"Didn't you have something to wipe off your desk with all that toilet paper?!" She shut you down quickly.

Shit. That was the moment when you realized you couldn't bullshit your way out of that one. Bokuto looked towards you with an apologetic expression while you simply slumped. 

"You two have detention."

***

"I'm an awful friend. You got in trouble because of me. If I just sucked it up and didn't wipe my butt neither of us would be in this situation!" Bokuto whined. 

"Eww, don't say that, if you don't wipe your butt, I won't talk to you ever again. Actually nevermind that, no one will," you scolded him. 

That only seemed to put him in a more depressing mood. "Born to shit, forced to wipe..." 

"You get frustrated easily," you said with a sigh. Not that it was particularly difficult to deal with him, but you never knew what could set him off. How could you predict that somebody would feel guilty over toilet paper?

Bokuto planted his face against the desk, this newfound despair was apparently too much for him to handle. "How can I not feel sad when I miss practice for detention? My mom and Akaashi are gonna be disappointed in me. And glare at me. I'm balding from stress." To emphasize his point, he pulled on his hair.

"That's not necessarily a bad thing," you mused.

"What do you mean that's not a bad thing? My head is gonna be shiny."

"Did you know that guys who bald earlier have more testosterone?"

He looked at you like your words had filled him with hope. "Promise?"

"Swear on my life."

The teacher that was in charge of watching over the troublemakers that day shot you a look that said 'shut up'. You only heard and understood what you wanted to, however, so you ignored him while continuing your inane chatter with Bokuto. 

After some more prodding, he finally cheered up. "Hey, hey, hey! Let's hang out after detention, okay?"

"Hm, let me check my schedule." You glanced at your wrist, pretending to be looking at a watch, and then faced him again. "Looks like I'm free."

"Cool, I'll show you my party trick."

***

It was dark out when the two of you were out of detention. Not that the time was particularly late, but as the season was getting colder, the sun set earlier than usual. You frowned as you kicked the vending machine―you were hanging out in front of it like creepy delinquent characters, but the truth was that both you and him were too stupid to be threatening criminals.

"How am I supposed to show you my party trick now?" Bokuto was obviously back to being a crybaby. You were still perplexed as to how such a positive person could turn into a wounded animal in the matter of two seconds tops, but strangely enough, you weren't annoyed at him either. There was just something about Bokuto that made you want to cheer for him.

You continued kicking the machine more violently as if that would solve the problem. "No idea." 

"The universe is just against me today," he said with a disappointed sigh. 

You could tell he was about to enter his emo mode again. Unsure of what was up with him today that made his moods fluctuate even more than usual, you tilted your head to the side. He was slouching a bit, arms crossed over his chest and tapping his foot against the concrete like a toddler. You were running out of things to say to cheer him up.

It was the perfect opportunity, really. 

You have him a gentle kiss on the cheek. You weren't sure if you were trying not to overwhelm him or if you were just trying to avoid overstepping your boundaries. "Cheer up. There's no way the world is against a super ace." 

You walked away coolly after that, but deep down, you were very embarrassed about, _ack_ , showing affection. Bokuto touched the place where you kissed him and straightened his posture, suddenly beaming with the aura of a 'Man of The Hour' rather than someone who was doomed (even though he was claiming that just five minutes ago). 

You looked back, staring at his goofy expression. Okay, you concluded that he at least looked like he enjoyed that. "You comin' or what?"

He started running towards you until eventually, he passed you. "Hell yeah! Race you to your house!"

"Hey, no fair," you yelled back with a smile on your face. You scrambled to follow his pace.

***

"Kiss?"

"K-Kiss," he confirmed.

"On the cheeks?" Akaashi asked, skeptical. "No need to act like a virgin over it."

" _HEY_!" 

Akaashi let out a small giggle at that. Bokuto was just so, well, clueless. When it came to anything that wasn't volleyball, that is. "Why did [L/n] kiss you, anyway?"

"I was upset," he answered vaguely, not wanting to admit what the reason behind that was. "But it cheered me up."

Akaashi gave him a suspicious look, the one he gave him whenever he knew he was about to say something questionable. "You were upset about...?"

Bokuto puffed his chest and turned the other way. "You don't need to know that."

"I'll ask [L/n] about it if you don't tell me. And I'll tell them that you were getting excited over a kiss on the cheek and embarrass you," he threatened. 

"Fine! The vending machine wasn't working so I couldn't show them my party trick―"

"Oh man, you're still doing that?"

"―are you happy now?!" 

Akaashi looked at the drink in Bokuto's hands. It was still half-full, it wasn't too late. "You could show them your party trick now."

"Akaashi, you're a genius," he praised.

***

When Bokuto approached you, he looked untamed. A bit delirious, if you will. You were already late to class and after the previous day's detention, you weren't eager to get scolded by a teacher again but decided to humor him anyway. "What's up?"

"My party trick," he shot right back like a giddy kid about to show off his new toy. There was a drink in his hands but you had no idea where this was going. 

"Oh? Are you going to show me?" 

"Yeah, but I can't make a mess in here." He realized that just now. Oh no, had he wasted your time just now?

You smirked at him. "Then we should go to our place."

"We have a place?"

" _The principal's toilet_."

"Well you don't have to be so dramatic about it," he deadpanned. 

You thought that he was bold for insinuating that you were the dramatic one between the two of you, but let him off the hook. He thought that going up there when the two of you were caught so recently was a bad idea, but he also found it hard to say no to you when you were referring to it as 'your place'. I mean, the principal's bathroom being some sacred meeting spot? How funny would that be?

Once the two of you made it inside, you locked the door behind you. The bathroom itself wasn't very spacious, but it was enough for more than one person to fit in there. You stared at Bokuto in anticipation as he gulped down his drink in one go. 

You were perplexed when he leaned his head back and for a second nothing was happening. Then, he somehow managed to make a fountain with his nostrils. You had never been this impressed. Though that had happened to you on accident, you would never be able to force it through sheer will.

You clapped excitedly. "Bokuto, that was epic."

"Thanks," he said, humble. "It makes me feel like I'm burping through my sinuses when I do that."

"Yeah, no kidding."

Shortly after, as you unlocked the door and were ready to leave, you heard footsteps approaching. You stilled until you heard them stop right in front of the door and quickly pushed Bokuto to the side, trying to corner both you and him in the spot that the door would cover when opened. It was fairly uncomfortable, but you didn't want detention again. 

"Is anyone in here?" It was the same teacher that got you in trouble yesterday.

Bokuto was about to open his mouth but you slapped your hand over it with a glare in his direction. The teacher went in, though barely, and glanced around rather casually. Your shoulder was being crushed by the door but tried to keep your pain to yourself, not making even the smallest noise. The boy in front of you was both embarrassed and scared for his practice time.

The teacher quickly shut the door closed and turned the lights off. You pushed yourself off him and once you were certain you could no longer hear her, you let out an ouch.

"Are you okay?"

You raised your hands up defensively. "I'm sorry for pushing myself onto you all of a sudden!"

"It's fine," he said.

"And for kissing you without permission yesterday!"

"That was fine by me too," he reassured, this time with a more dreamy expression on his face.

You tsk'd. "I know you liked it, the point is purely semantic."

Bokuto shrugged before making his way out of the toilet and you followed soon after. "I don't know what that means. Race you to your class?"

You didn't even get the chance to answer before he started running.

***

You were making your way towards your club. As per the usual, your routine consisted of passing by the volleyball gym on your way there. You weren't sure what provoked you to do that, as you usually didn't make an effort to be extra polite, but you decided to peek in and greet the people on the team you knew. 

Once you stepped in, you couldn't help but note that there were people from another school there. You twisted your lips in confusion but quickly snapped out of it and decided to just do what you came to do and leave after. Bokuto spotted you before you could him and inevitably drew the attention of many intimidating and tall musclemen by running towards you. "Hey, hey, hey! Are you here to watch practice?"

"Can't. I have club today," you dismissed him.

He pouted before an idea came to him as if he had been shot with inspiration by a higher spirit. Overexaggeratedly (and slightly grossly, might you add) he puckered his lips in your direction before he begged you to do what he wants. "[L/n], can you give me a good luck kiss for the practice match today? Please, please, please―" 

Usually, you found his type annoying. You were quite an airhead yourself, you often saw yourself going for the more dark and brooding types rather than the excitable and goofy ones. Truly you would never grasp what made Bokuto so likable to you. 

You gave him a more sensual kiss before smirking against his lips and pulling away. "You can have as many as you want, hotshot." 

Konoha grimaced. He wasn't sure why the two of you were acting like kissing is public sex, but he wasn't down to hear any more of it. Honestly, it was like a car accident, no one was forcing him to see it and he definitely should've been focusing on the warm-up but he couldn't look away either. _Mentally disturbed people flock together -Akaashi Keiji_.

Bokuto made a loud sound before running off and exclaiming something about being on his A-Game today for sure. 

"[L/n], promise to make these kisses semantic for me, okay?!"

"That's so not how you use that word," you scolded.

"EH?!"

"By the way, wait for me after your practice finishes. We can have a movie night, my parents aren't home," you exclaimed from across the court.

"Oh, they aren't?"

"Bokuto-san, [L/n]-san, please stop," Akaashi deadpanned. "There are strangers here."


End file.
